This is my confession. I hope that those of you who have similar troubles or concerns will find some help, hope, and encouragement in it.
Things in my life have changed quite a bit. The demands on my time and the needs of my family have changed a lot. And, though there are a great number of challenges and the future remains to be seen, there is one thing that I am sure of.
I need Allah.
I need His nearness, His mercy, His blessing, and protection. There are a great many mountains to be climbed that I know I cannot climb alone. Better women than me have tried and failed. But of those who succeeded, there is one common trait. They all had absolute faith in the One in whom is the entire universe. No matter what words they used to express this point, the sentiment remained the same. When they set a firm and sincere intention to progress, they simply had to be willing to do the work and the doors opened, the stars aligned, and in the end, they were given victory.
There is an aspect of my life that I won’t confess since Allah has seen fit to cover my sins I won’t expose them. But it is a rather significant aspect of my life wherein I had compromised my values because I don’t think I really believed that Allah swta would be sufficient. I thought, “if I don’t take care of business, nobody is going to fill this need” and so I took a wrong turn. It was easy. It was profitable. It became comfortable over time. And yeah, I met my need. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t a success by worldly standards. It was a great success. I was happy and carrying on very well.
But this Ramadan I want to draw closer to my Lord than ever before. I want to meet Ramadan with an open heart, instead of feeling stressed and under pressure to straighten up and fly right during these 30 blessed days. So, I had to rectify this situation.
I thought long and hard about it. I sat on my hands for two weeks, feeling bad about changing my mind. I think it would have been easier if the situation were a bad one. If I were failing, it wouldn’t be so hard. But after two weeks I said “now or never” and I made the change.
I wrote a very difficult email, despite its brevity. And just like that, it was over. I set my intention and I am doing the work.
Even now I wonder if Allah swta will replace the thing that I lost with something better. I don’t know. I hope so. I am pinning that hope on Allah swta. I am forcing myself to believe that Allah swta will replace the thing I gave away for His sake (which is really for my own sake) with something better.
I know there are people out there who are in the same boat. Maybe your thing is a relationship, or a job you know is inappropriate, or a habit, or a hobby. You spend a lot of time justifying your actions to yourself. You are defensive about it. I know, I’m right there with you. I am encouraging you to give it up now. Not because it’s easy, but because its hard. Not because Ramadan is approaching, but because we don’t know if we will live to see Ramadan and death is real. Not because we want to, but because we have to believe that Allah swta has something greater for us.
I’m not speaking from theory. I am in the same boat as you. It did it, and it sucked at first. But after a day, I felt that there was a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I never knew was there. And with that, I am still hopeful that the things that I truly desire I will one day have in a way that doesn’t require me to compromise. I rest my hope on the promises of Allah. I have taken my step towards him, I know that He has drawn ten steps towards me.